What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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