I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize