a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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