Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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