i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
That was an excessively violent trivia night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize