just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize