When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
