Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
