I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
