Betty ford says i'm here all night
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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