Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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