That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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