i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
