I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
