help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
