Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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