I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
