So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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