smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
