My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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