you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
