Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
