so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
