I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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