Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
