I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
