a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ugly people sure do ruin things
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
