I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
