sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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