A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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