Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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