from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
