he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
MIDGETS
????
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
