Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
