I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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