dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
