Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
