If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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