I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
