My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize