What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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