either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
