Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize