But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
