Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
