I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
