Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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