Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
