party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
