between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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