I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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