You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
