So drunk its hurt
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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