So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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