Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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