I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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