I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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