my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
