Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
