i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
