first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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