I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
