Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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