i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
