i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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