I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
