I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
