life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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