Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Randomize